It is all very well for someone to appear on our relationship horizon like a Superior Court judge dispensing wise counsel – after all, a couple recently shattered by infidelity are usually desperate for guidance as they try to stitch together the remnants of their relationship – but Superior Court judges can often be found in S&M dungeons having their bottoms paddled with table tennis bats; they are only faulted human beings like the rest of us after all. Looking for a parental figure theoretically wiser than ourselves is a pipe dream.
There is no such person, no superior being out there more astute than ourselves, especially relative to our spousal bond. When it comes to connecting with our other half we have to solve the problem ourselves and there is only one way to do that – through fair dealing.
After an affair the only thing that effectively instigates repairs is honesty, and not the sort of honesty that reveals the intimacies of sexual acts – yes, honey, I was having threesomes with your two best friends and there was a lot of whipped cream involved (no, keep those details to yourself). Rather, it is honesty regarding how each partner really feels toward the other. This is far harder to do than it sounds for a number of reasons.
Firstly, you care enough about your partner not to hurt their feelings – if that is not the case then why did you marry them and why are you still with them? So saying something like – ‘I only went to bed with another person because I was bored with our tedious love making’ is not constructive, even if it is true. Love making is a bit like formal dancing. You can really dislike a person yet dance quite well with them, whereas the person you like the most may have two left feet.
Some people are just not too hot in the cot, and this can be for a multitude of reasons, regardless of how wonderful they are as a person. (Hopefully you found that out before you married them and did marry them for genuine love.) So if you had an affair just because you were bored with the lovemaking at home then say so, but couch it diplomatically. But do say it, and while you are at it, find out how your partner regards you sexually.
Put all the cards on the table. You may get a surprise – your partner may not perform well sexually because they consider you to be an inferior lover and it’s things you do that is at the heart of their supposed sexual dysfunction. Either way, the problem is now out in the open and being genuinely dealt with. You might find it suddenly opens doors you never dreamt existed and which you would never have discovered had one of you not had an affair. But you will never make such a discovery unless there is open, honest discussions and a genuine desire to be fair and decent toward each other. Pointing the finger of blame is childish, unproductive, and unworthy of a true partner.
That is not to say that having an affair is just a sexual tryst, for affairs can often involve strong emotional connections as well. But you may also be surprised to learn that an affair can be completely unrelated to the marital relationship. Although it sounds like an excuse, sometimes a man might feel belittled in his line of work and the act of seducing a woman makes him feel better, winning back some much needed self-esteem – it never did concern his life at home, which may be perfectly fine. Most women would not relate to this rationale and would look for more complex reasons, however it can be as simple as that, so before making an appointment with a lawyer it’s best to establish the real reason an affair started.
Similarly, a woman might feel she is disregarded by her husband for being just a mother and housewife, and then when a stranger suddenly shows her affection and respect it can be very seductive, very difficult to resist – it is a welcome return to more carefree days when she was sought after by young men. It is a relief, a pleasant change from her daily, thankless grind.
There are numerous reasons people begin affairs, but recent research reveals that unfaithfulness is not usually related to animosity between partners i.e. I hate you so I’m going to go have sex with someone else in order to punish you. The real reason behind the affair needs to be teased out through open, honest discussion. If it is just a human failing for understandable reasons – like I felt so neglected I just wanted to feel attractive again – then it is forgivable.
Secondly, be honest about where you see your relationship going. This is where dishonesty is most likely to creep in, mainly because money is often involved. Maybe you’d like to separate physically but you don’t want a financial divorce – there’s the house, the mortgage, the car, the kids, their education, maybe some inheritance issues – it’s all too much trouble and way too expensive. But if you really don’t see your relationship lasting, if in your heart you really don’t see yourself coming out together on the other side of 50 and growing old together, then get out. Hanging on for the sake of money is just not worth it.
If you tell yourself you’re staying because of the kids, then you are kidding yourself and doing them a disservice. Kids don’t want to be caught between two people who are not getting on – they’d much rather visit their parents separately and put up with that small inconvenience than listen to constant bickering. Kids are selfish, they want to enjoy their childhood just for themselves, and we should let them be selfish. Why not – we were kids once ourselves. Let them have a carefree childhood. If it is a bad marriage, get out of it.
Is adultery such a terrible thing? No. Sex is a transitory pleasure and is often barely remembered by both participants. Most of us have slept with people at some stage in our lives that we can now hardly recall. Adultery is forgivable and should be forgiven, it is just a sexual act after all. But living with someone you no longer care for and in fact are beginning to dislike or even hate, that is a mistake. So third and last, be honest not only with your partner, but more importantly, with yourself.
So why are we so screwed up with all this talk about infidelity, unfaithfulness, betrayal, disloyalty, affairs, as if having sex with someone other than your husband or wife is tantamount to a war crime? Many other cultures have completely different attitudes on sex and cannot understand the Western preoccupation with turning extra-marital sex into the massive guilt trip it has become. Even when Bill Clinton had a little affair, the French were bemused as to what all the fuss was about – after all, to their culture they see no point to being a rich and powerful man if you cannot have a mistress.
Joseph Banks, the famous botanist who accompanied Captain Cook on his Pacific voyages wrote an account of the open sexual customs of the Tahitians. It became a best seller and its titillation of the English public was an obvious indicator of the sexual repressiveness pervading England at that time. It is English culture, more than any other Western culture, which has set the standard for sexual attitudes over the last few hundred years, and which we still (unfortunately) uphold. The Pilgrim Fathers of America were after all zealot Christians from England.
In Shanxi province in northern China it has long been a tradition for a visiting laborer on a poor man’s farm to be paid by having sex with the farmer’s wife. This to them is just a practical part of life and everyone finds the exchange to be reasonable. Then there is the ‘walking marriages’ of Yunnan province where both men and women can have multiple partners and are not married and lead totally separate lives, even though successfully raising children. Of course, in order to appear ‘Western’ and modern the Chinese Communist Party tries hard to ‘educate’ these people away from their traditions, but such traditions are highly successful socially and therefore difficult to eradicate.
Sexual attitudes are very much tied to the culture of the day, and we owe it to ourselves to learn more about our natural drives and what a natural relationship between a man and woman really should be. For almost all of our existence on Earth human beings have lived as hunter-gatherers. It is the unnatural arrangements resulting from unnatural village lifestyles that have caused us to develop such distorted values regarding so called infidelity. The evolution of the nuclear family, slowly separating us all even further, has contributed to this cultural warping.
Perhaps we owe it to ourselves, our partners, and our families to reflect on what is truly important in a relationship, and to put sex, extramarital or not, into perspective. Sex does not matter so much, but the relationship does. If the relationship is still strong, then forgive and forget and move on.
