We all suffer from the discomfort of jealousy from time to time. If asked what jealousy is we can all give a definition that is roughly similar. But ask yourself this – why does jealousy exist? Nature does not put anything in our emotional arsenal without a good reason. So why did it include such an odd emotion as jealousy when it is destructive to relationships, very uncomfortable for either the jealous person or the person being accused, and more often than not completely inaccurate and out of proportion in terms of what is really happening?
Most of us would agree that jealousy is far more trouble than it is worth, and if we could get rid of it as an emotion we probably would. Other social animals also show clear signs of jealousy. In some rare instances, like the family pet becoming jealous of a newborn child the pet will kill or attempt to kill the baby. Jealousy is often cited in ‘crimes of passion’ and in some countries, notably France, it can be used as a legal defense for temporary insanity. So why does it exist, and how can we control it?
Why jealousy exists: Jealousy is rivalry over status, and status gives us our place on the hierarchical ladder. With a dominant position on the ladder one may ensure attraction of genetically superior mates, and therefore better food and protection for DNA investment in offspring.
Jealousy evolved as a mechanism for ensuring DNA protection. Jealousy in females and males has different nuances, relative to the sex. Some circumstances that make males jealous have little effect on females, and vice versa. Very often both sexes do not understand the jealous behavior of the other sex and vice versa. This confusion is exacerbated by our present artificial social system.
Females may be jealous because their mate’s interest in another female or females may reduce their status, consequently reducing security for themselves and their offspring or potential offspring. Males may be jealous because their mate’s interest in another male may reduce their status, consequently reducing their ability to attract further mates, and because it may reduce protection of existing offspring.
Males do not bear children and are selected by females for their ability to provide and protect consistently. A male can also never be sure who his offspring belong to when there is another competing male around. He therefore needs to feel confident he is the only one having intercourse with his mate, otherwise he could be protecting and providing for someone else’s DNA investment. This form of jealousy does not apply to females because they bear children; they are guaranteed a 50% investment in the offspring, regardless of who their partner is.
There are other forms of jealousy, but as with sexual jealousy, they pertain to DNA protection via status and we term them ‘envy’.
How to control jealousy in your partner: If you have ever had a highly jealous partner you may have been completely surprised on occasion by their sudden attack which seems way out of proportion to what is really going on at the time. You may have also been badly embarrassed by them if the attack takes place in front of other people. The thing to remember in both instances is that a jealous person is temporarily out of whack – this is not someone you want to argue with directly while they are in that frame of mind.
The French may have something – a jealous person may be temporarily insane, in varying degrees. (Of course this is assuming you are not deliberately trying to make them jealous, which is an entirely different matter, and if your ego is that fragile then you deserve whatever they dish up to you. )
The first thing to do is to disarm the situation. If it is a public confrontation then remove yourself immediately, and regardless of provocation do not directly argue with your accuser. Simply leave.
Once you are in private, or if you were in private when the accusations arose, then take the time to inquire as to exactly what it is your partner thinks you are doing. Ask for a complete explanation. Their case may be absurd, but hear them out, you cannot deal with something you do not understand and by them explaining it, and if it is absurd, they may see the error in their own behavior.
What is actually happening here is also a small deception – by requesting a detailed explanation you have moved their emotions from a jealous rant and into the realms of logical thought – in order to think and speak logically you literally have to use another part of your brain. So get them talking, and always, always, always, keep the conversation calm, rational and fair. In the process you may find that they do actually have a case and that if you were in their shoes you might also feel jealous. If that is the case, apologize sincerely, and reassure them that you understand their point of view and that making them jealous was not your intention.
If you feel their jealousy is unwarranted, and their accusation is unfair, say so, and give logical reasons. Pride may stop them conceding that they were wrong, but over time they may reconsider and realize their error. Be firm but fair, and if you feel they are being immature, absurd or both, then rise above the occasion – and that does not mean belittle them or that you take on an air of superiority, it means simply move on and leave the matter be. It is their problem, not yours.
How to control jealousy in yourself: Almost without fail jealous people are jealous because if the situation their partner is in was reversed, they would most assuredly do what they fear their partner might. Recognize that you may be the untrustworthy component, not necessarily your partner. You may simply be jealous because you are more devious than they are, and that you ascribe the actions of your partner to more ingenuous motives – the motives you bring to the relationship.
Jealous people are usually untrustworthy people. If you love your partner, then be prepared to give them the benefit of the doubt, and check to see that their motives and behavior are not a perspective of your own invention. If you know you are a highly jealous person, and you really hate feeling that way, then look for a partner that is highly monogamous. It minimizes the problem and helps you relax.
But what if you regard yourself as only an average jealous person but your partner is a genuine cad? What if your partner cannot keep his fly done up or her panties on, no matter how close an eye you keep on them? Well, that is who they are. Accept it. Leopards don’t change their spots. If you really can’t bear it, then get out of the relationship, and certainly look for the warning signs early on and try not to have children with such people.
The advice given for dealing with a jealous person can also be applied to yourself. If you are experiencing a fit of jealousy then try your best to stay rational and calm and always bring up the matter in private with your partner and do it without malice. Instead of opening the conversation with an accusation, try the truth, it is much more appealing to them because it is actually flattering and also creates trust between you – Honey, I’m feeling jealous – and then tell them why. This technique can actually be constructive in building trust and intimacy.
